An “Interview” with Levi’s Stadium

By Robert Haugh

Last week, a story made its way around City Hall that got a lot of laughs — and it wasn’t from the Santa Clara Weekly.

Since that was unusual, we thought it would be appropriate to share San Francisco Chronicle Scott Ostler’s “interview” with Levi’s Stadium.

LevisSFChron
Graphic courtesy of San Francisco Chronicle

Here’s the link. And here are some good excerpts:

In the wake of Monday night’s widely praised presentation of the college football championship game, the normally reclusive Levi’s Stadium agreed to an interview with The Chronicle.

Chronicle: Congratulations on your performance in the championship game. You got rave reviews.

Levi’s: Thanks, but I try not to pay much attention to the critics. I’ve been quietly kicking stadium ass since my doors opened, but oh, the whining! It’s too hot. It’s too far away. The grass is slippery. Whaaa! Talk about entitled. I’m surprised they don’t complain that the goalposts are too yellow.

Chronicle: Are you saying all the criticism is unfair?

Levi’s: Once you get a reputation, it’s hard to shake. Remember the Black Hole of Calcutta? One bad night and you’re getting killed on Yelp for centuries.

Chronicle: Do you think the criticism of you is related to the 49ers’ lack of success since you opened?

Levi’s: Duh. It’s hard to shine when your primary tenant can’t find its end zone with both hands. Look, the Roman Colosseum on its best days couldn’t have carried the 49ers. If the 49ers had played in the Colosseum back then, the sportswriters would have called it the Marble Mausoleum, while they were stuffing their faces with free roasted goat in the press box. What I’m saying is, it’s hard to look good when your main entertainment vehicle is as artistically compelling as a painting of dogs playing poker.

Chronicle: Aren’t you kind of downplaying some of your shortcomings?

Levi’s: I know I’m not perfect. I worry about skin cancer. I tried everything but Rogaine to cover my turf’s bald spots. I can’t afford to eat in my own restaurants. But hello! Fans and critics are pining for their dear old Candlestick Park? That field was so swampy it had alligators, and concrete was flaking off like half-ton hunks of dandruff. So charming.

Chronicle: You and the Golden Gate Bridge both looked great. Incidentally, what’s with the blimp shots of the bridge every time you host a big game? They make it look like you and the bridge are next-door neighbors.

Levi’s: That has caused some hard feelings. The bridge has been riding my coattails since I opened. We had coffee recently, we talked it over, we Cameron to an understanding. She does her job, I do mine. We’re good. But I’ll tell you what, if people were committing suicide by jumping off me, the critics would have a field day. They’d call it the Levi’s Leap.

Chronicle: You mentioned the Raiders. Would you be open to letting them play on your field next season?

Levi’s: I’m a team player, bro. If the NFL asks me to listen to the Raiders, I’ll listen. But I’m not crazy about being the opening act for that “soulful” monstrosity the Raiders are building in Vegas. And I’m no snob, but Mark Davis treats me like it’s closing time and I’m the only floozy left at the bar.

Chronicle: You do well with non-football events, like WrestleMania.

Levi’s: Go figure. A billion-dollar football team makes me look like a clown, yet I bring in a bunch of lousy actors wearing Speedos and people say I’m great. Let’s have another margarita.

Scott Ostler is a San Francisco Chronicle columnist. He has authored several books and written for many national publications. Scott has been voted California Sportswriter of the Year 13 times, including six times while at The Chronicle.

2 comments

  1. You have to come to the stadium prepared. A hat, sunglasses and plenty of water. Every year I see people being carried out on stretchers. Due to heat stroke and coming unprepared.

Leave a Reply