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2018 Predictions for Santa Clara

By Robert Haugh

Yesterday, we wrote about the big changes and victories that happened last year in the Mission City. Here’s what we think will happen this coming year.

1. Mayor Lisa Gillmor gets re-elected with 90 percent of the vote. But it’s not as impressive as it sounds. The only challenger is former councilman Kevin Moore who makes a political blunder by writing on his ballot statement that he’s the guy who convinced the 49ers to build a stadium in Santa Clara.

2. The 49ers start the season 8-0 with Jimmy Garoppolo playing like the second coming of Joe Montana. Then Jed York starts to tweet about how the team will win the Super Bowl and how he will be the next NFL commissioner. They finish the season 8-8 and miss the playoffs.

3. The 49ers decide to stop breaking the law and follow the weekday stadium curfew — but only after Santa Clara Sporting sends in a fleet of drones to cut power at 10 p.m. during a Justin Bieber concert.

4. The Mercury News buys the Santa Clara Weekly. The coverage of news in the Mission City improves — but just barely.

5. Miles Barber and Carolyn Schuk start a new publication and call it the Santa Clara Weakly. Some people think the name is a typo. But many residents don’t.

6. Councilman Pat Kolstad gets tired of shoveling snow in Eastern Washington and decides to move back. But he can’t find an affordable house in Santa Clara so he lives in his car in Milpitas, wins a council seat, and serves on two city councils, even though he doesn’t legally live in either city.

7. Police Chief Mike Sellers decides to retire after his entire department’s budget is spent on paying out lawsuit settlements and he is the only officer left to patrol the entire city.

8. Councilman Dominic Caserta proves Santa Clara News Online wrong. In our last ranking before the primary, we have him finishing 5th in the Santa Clara County Supervisor race. He actually finishes 6th, behind write-in votes for Bucky the Bronco, Santa Clara University’s mascot.

9. The City Council responds to neighborhood concerns and downsizes the massive Mariani development project. They approve a 4-bedroom house with a granny unit and an International House of Pancakes.

10. Levi’s Stadium hosts Wrestlemania 2018 in a stunning plot turn. (We are well aware it is actually in New Orleans). In a stunning surprise, a mysterious but popular masked wrestler named “Mission City Madman” is unmasked and the crowd roars when it discovers it’s Santa Clara’s own Jamie Matthews who makes his first public appearance since resigning as Mayor in 2016.

We hope everyone enjoys this humorous look at 2018 and has a good year.

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