By Robert Haugh

Here are some humorous predictions for next year based on real events that happened last year or the recent past. 

January-February

The 49ers will lose the Super Bowl to the Baltimore Ravens just like they did in 2013. Unfortunately, the team gets distracted during the game. Former 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh (and brother of Ravens coach John Harbaugh) sneaks into the owner’s box and assaults Jed York. Harbaugh forces York to eat Girl Scout cookies while he dangles him by his feet over the crowd.

March

Lieutenant Pat Nikolai will become Santa Clara’s next Police Chief in 2020. That’s a safe prediction since he’s the only choice on the ballot right now. But the surprise is that he finishes second in the March primary. Voters write-in Dorothy Rosa, the most popular person in the Mission City. Wow. But when Rosa tells people that she’s not a cop and doesn’t own a gun, Nikolai wins in November.

April

Councilwoman Patty Mahan continues to miss a lot of Council meetings. But she also calls into a lot of them. This year, Mahan sets a Santa Clara record that won’t likely be broken. Mahan calls into a Council meeting from each of the seven continents.

May-June

Santa Clara Weekly/SVVoice Lobbyist/Publisher Miles Barber gets corrected by City staff a lot. He was also officially reprimanded by the City for being abusive to City staff at a Council meeting. But this year, the City staff decides to give Barber another chance. They put a chair in the corner of the Council chambers with his name on it. Barber comes to meetings and sits in the chair. But Barber refuses to wear the dunce cap that also has his name on it.

July-August

Disgraced former Councilman Dominic Caserta tries to rehabilitate his reputation by taking a lie detector test again. This time it’ll be administered by his longtime political consultant Ed McGovern.  But McGovern accidentally reads him embarrassing questions from Caserta’s Santa Clara Unified School District personnel file. Oops. Caserta gets red-faced mad, just like he used to at Council meetings. Caserta fails the test.

September

The Rolling Stones return for another concert at Levi’s Stadium. But this year they actually ask the City to hold them to the weekday curfew of 10 pm instead of getting a pass from City Manager Deanna Santana. The band says Mick Jagger is 77 years old and can’t stay up much later than the curfew.

October

Attorney John Mlnarik got caught bilking clients and was suspended last year by the State Bar. Mlnarik decides to change careers since no one trusts him anymore with clients. He applies for a job at the ConVis Bureau. Unfortunately, no one told Mlnarik that the City got rid of the ConVis Bureau.

 November-December

Last year, the Santa Clara Chamber of Commerce changed its name to the Silicon Valley Central Chamber of Commerce. But no one calls them that. This year, the City is suing them for big bucks for mismanaging the Convention Center. So they decide to change their name once again. The organization’s new name is — NOT The Santa Clara Chamber of Commerce.