BREAKING: New Santa Clara City Manager Will Ask City Council to Resign

By Robert Haugh

In a surprise move, 49ers CEO Jed York has been named Santa Clara City Manager.

York replaces former City Manager Deanna Santana who the 49er Five fired in February in a historic first for the Mission City.

According to rumors and an erroneous press report, former City Manager Rajeev Batra was planning to come back as Acting City Manager.

But Batra is considered a “retired annuitant” and can only work part-time. “I don’t work very hard and I like to play golf a lot, so the job sounded just perfect,” said Batra.

But that was news to the 49er Five. 

When told Batra would only work part-time and be paid approximately $225 per hour, Councilwoman Karen Hardy said: “Huh. No one tells me anything around here.”

“I did a very in-depth analysis of Batra,” said Councilman Raj Chahal. “I have no idea what it means, but my spreadsheet and powerpoint look really, really good.”

“High pay and few hours?” Councilman Anthony Becker posted on Facebook. “Where does one find jobs like that? Asking for a friend.”

Councilman Kevin Park was unavailable for comment. A City Hall spokesperson said that Park told him that his Internet at home is not working. Park claims he can’t show his face on City Hall Zoom calls and can’t post apologies on his website like he promised for the next ten years.

Councilman Suds Jain is the self-described brains behind the 49er Five. He came up with the idea to appoint York as City Manager.

“Just like I came up with the idea to use the Youth Soccer Park for game day parking without talking to the 49ers, I came up with the idea to hire York all by myself,” said Jain with a smile and a wink.

Jed York
49ers CEO Jed York

In an exclusive interview with Santa Clara News Online, York said that he would ask the 49er Five to resign in the next 30 days.

“Now that I’m in charge,” said York. “I don’t have to meet with them weekly and pretend to be interested in their opinions.”

York also believes that his appointment is a good thing. 

“Look, I paid over $3 million to buy the City Council. I’m getting some of my money back from the dismissal of the parking revenue lawsuit and lifting of the stadium curfew,” said York.

“I had to write big checks to Jim Tomsula and Chip Kelly for years after firing them. I need the dough. As City Manager, I can come up with even more ways to screw Santa Clara out of money.”

“I’ll think I’ll have the City pay for a new stadium sign even though that’s Levi’s responsibility,” said York. I could use some more skinny jeans.”

Mayor Lisa Gillmor and Councilwoman Kathy Watanabe would not comment on York’s appointment. But they were spotted at City Hall asking for directions to the closest place to buy Raiders jerseys.

York officially begins work today, April 1, a.k.a. “April Fool’s Day.”

Editor’s Note: Today is April 1.


  1. Great prank!! I just wish it wasn’t so close to what could happen!!!!! Well done.

  2. Ouch! Saw your article when doing a search on the city council. Was in total disbelief and saying this is a joke. It took me to the last line to get it. Maybe a bit too serious for an April fools. Still you got me, good one.

  3. My first thought was, ‘where is the Babylon Bee hiding?’, then realized the date.
    I bet you had a lot of fun writing that. Good job.

Leave a Reply